The 1 Sentence That Helps Stop Bickering, Complaining, and Disrespectful Behavior on Your Youth Sports Team
A team is not just the people on the team – a team is how the people on the team relate to each other.
As coaches, we must teach our players how to interact with each other in healthy and productive ways in order to achieve ultimate success as individuals and as a team.
The one sentence that helps prevent bickering, complaining, and team in-fighting on your team is:
“You Don’t Have to Like Everyone, But You Must Respect Everyone and Yourself”
So why is this one sentence so powerful?
1. Establishes the leader
By making this declaration and setting these expectations, it signals to the team that you are the leader of the group. You are creating this group and are responsible for creating the rules for being a part of the group.
It means you have the confidence, authority, and knowledge to take on this role.
2. Creates a team identity
By verbalizing and defining the expectations of a newly-created group, the people inside the group start to form a team identity.
By setting this expectation, you are communicating:
- You belong to this group
- This is one of the group’s values
- As part of the group, it must now be one of your values
3. Offers protection & belonging
This sentence is also a promise to the members of the team: you will be protected.
As long as you are respectful of others and yourself, you have the protection of the group. You will be protected from others’ being disrespectful towards you. You will be defended.
The sentence also communicates that there is someone in charge who is powerful enough to protect you from other members of the group.
4. Communicates clear expectations & boundaries
Players will come from all different types of family dynamics. Many players will have picked up bad habits from their parents about how to relate to others and themselves.
Example: Schadenfreude (pleasure derived by someone from another person’s misfortune) is common. While it is a natural human instinct and should not be shamed, we must work to identify and consciously move them away from this instinct.
As the leader of the group, you set the expectations and the boundaries for acceptable behavior in the new team/family dynamic.
You cannot hold someone to a standard without first clearly defining the expectations. This sentence creates a clear guardrail for acceptable behavior.
We must create an environment where players feel safe, allowing them to develop and grow at their own individual pace.
Players cannot feel safe if they feel judged or disrespected by their teammates.
5. Flexible & respectful of reality
This sentence gives your team system flexibility.
Being a team does not mean everyone likes each other personally (although it would certainly be nice!) But that is too high a bar to set, and not a necessary ingredient in successful teams.
Being a team is about working together to accomplish a common goal. It is about respecting yourself enough that you can be respectful of others.
Not everyone will like everyone else. And asking for that level of intimacy and closeness (especially from people who have just met each other) is unrealistic.
Expecting “everyone to be friends” often places more stress on the system than leaders realize.
And it is often one of the leading causes for backbiting in dysfunctional teams – they are in a system where they are unable to express their true feelings.
Every emotion will be expressed, either directly or indirectly.
It is the leader’s responsibility to give their players the resources and vocabulary to express and communicate their emotions in healthy, productive ways.
Try incorporating this one sentence into your program to see if it can help the team culture. And after setting these new boundaries, be prepared to address issues of respect, either privately or in front of the team.